Rooney, When Did Your Heart Go Missing?
This week was very similar to last week. I didn't do anything except leave for work in the morning and return home in the evening. However, I didn't let Eva come over to play Boggle. I didn't have Sidney to talk to on the phone. The worst part was, I couldn't even watch the hockey games against the Bruins on Tuesday or against the Devils on Thursday.
It hurt too much to watch. Even though I wanted to support my team and my players, I just couldn't watch Crosby on the ice. Seeing him and thinking about him was silently killing me. Not to mention he was playing horribly. As frustrated as I was about his behavior toward me, I was more frustrated that he was letting his personal life get in the way of his game.
Steve tried to talk to me about it at work on Wednesday. "So, did you see the game last night?"
"I turned it off before the end of the first period."
I shrugged. "It was embarrassing. I couldn't watch it."
"Yeah, Crosby really seemed to lack discipline. Did something else happen? Another story or something? Because he played so well against the Sharks."
"Yeah, I know, Steve. You don't have to tell me."
"Is he feeling fatigued or something? Delayed Stanley Cup hangover? I mean, what's going on? I've never seen him like this."
"I don't know, Steve," I said, feeling myself starting to lose my temper. I didn't need him prying.
"Or is there something going on between you two? Why don't you know what's going on with him?"
I threw down the pen I was holding in my hand and glared at him. "You know, first off, Sid's more than a hockey player. So we don't just sit around and talk about hockey and how he's feeling. And second off, if I knew the reason—if there is a reason—why would I tell you anyway? Is this any of your business?"
"Because I'm curious."
"That's not a good enough reason," I grumbled.
I thought about the possibility, the strong possibility, that Sid and I weren't even involved anymore. Since I hadn't heard from him, I couldn't say for sure or not whether we were over. Sure, it looked that way, but until I heard it from the Sidney's mouth, I wasn't going to believe it.
That was me being selfish, but I just didn't want to let him go. It stung to even think of letting him go. I couldn't believe how I had become so emotionally dependent on him after a few months. I felt like it was my fault I was so hurt, because I should have known better. I should have known from the start that things were only going to end badly.
Of course, I realized that last month, our positions were reversed. Back then, I was the one begging for time and space so I could clear my head and figure out what I wanted, and Sid was left in the dark. Now that I knew what that felt like, I regretted putting him through that. If he knew how awful it felt, why would he put me through that?
It was hard to not talk to him. So many times I sat there, looking at my phone, wondering if I should call him. I could at least try; he could choose to pick up or not. Once, I dialed, but then I hung before the call was patched through. I was such chickenshit, but I knew that if I spoke to him, I might get my answer—an answer I didn't want to hear. The answer that would end my uncertainty, but prolong my misery.
With every minute that passed without hearing from him, I knew for sure that he had given up on me, on us. Otherwise, why would he still be waiting? It couldn't be taking this long for him to process everything and come to a decision, would it? There were so many questions swirling around in my head, making me confused and dizzy, but I was so afraid of the answers that I couldn't ask them.
As long as I didn't talk to him, I was able to stay in my little bubble, scared to death to hear that he didn't want me and not willing to take the risk to call him. Was it worth the risk to find out? Was I willing to step outside the comfort, albeit uncertainty, of this bubble and chance hearing him say he hated me for the sake of the possibility that maybe he was still just pondering his options?
After all, he could very well confess that he's still madly in love with me and just still considering what his best course of action is. Or he could say that I'm a stupid selfish bitch, and how could I even think that he'd want anything to do with me after how I ruined his life and possibly his career and reputation. Or he could be so furious with me that he wouldn't even answer. Maybe he blocked my number altogether so I'd never be able to contact him again. Maybe he thought I was just as psycho as Lynne because of the way I flipped out.
I was a mess. When had I shape-shifted from the strong, independent woman I once was to this sappy, disgusting mess of a person? I used to not be afraid to take risks and go out on a limb. Now I was staring at my damn cell, psychically willing Sid to call me because I was too scared to do it myself. What a pathetic excuse for a human being I was becoming. I got so mad at myself that I threw my phone across the room and watched in slow motion as the battery casing fell off, the battery flew out of its recess, and the hinge broke. Immediately regretful, I ran and pieced it back together. What was I thinking? Sid might call at any moment! I needed my cell in working order.
While I was at work on Thursday, I got a call from Kelsey. At least I knew my phone still worked. "So, you're coming out to celebrate Véro's birthday with us tomorrow, right?"
"Um, it's a girls' night out?" I wasn't in a good mood to go out with the girls, but I did promise V that I'd go. But there was no way I going if there was a chance I'd run into Sidney.
"Yeah. You, me, Heather, and V of course, and Flower's sister will be here. It's going to be a lot of fun!"
"Yeah, sure, I'll definitely be there. Just let me know what's going on when you guys figure it out."
"Oh, well, I'm designated driver for the night. So I'll be picking everyone up and we're going to Buca di Beppo for dinner, and then out somewhere. We'll figure it out. So, dinner reservations at eight, and I'll pick you up at Sid's at 7:30...." I heard Tyler's voice in the background, and then heard Kelsey say something back to him in a muffled tone before she spoke to me again. "Or, you could just meet me at Tyler's, if that works for you...."
They knew. Maybe not The Girlfriends, but the guys on the team knew that something wasn't right. Had Sidney told them, or did they deduce it all on their own? If Max knew something, why hadn't he called me? Hell, he was having his own girl drama with Charlotte; he probably wasn't interested in my boy dilemma.
"Um, well, I'm not sure what's going on this weekend yet, so can I figure it out and let you know?" I tried to be as evasive as possible with my answer to not fuel any gossip.
"Yeah, Noelle, sure. Call me sometime tonight or tomorrow, k?"
"You got it. See ya tomorrow."
I wasn't sure what was going to happen tomorrow. On any other weekend, since there was a home game on Saturday, I would go over to Sid's on Friday after work and stay til Sunday evening. I'd sleep in as he left for the morning skate on Saturday, I'd cook his pregame meal, I'd do the dishes as he napped, and we'd head to the arena together before anyone else would get there.
But Sid never called me. And I didn't call him, or even send him my usual "play well" texts. I was too afraid to get in contact with him, too afraid to hear what he might have to say.
Later that night, I called Kelsey back. "So, I knew you said that you were D.D. for tomorrow. If you want, I will drive us."
Kelsey laughed. "Are you sure that's a good idea? I've been in your car before. I don't know if I trust it."
"Oh, come on, Kels! Don't disrespect my baby like that!" I giggled. "In all seriousness, though, um.... " I didn't want to come right out and say it. "I don't know if I'll be... spending the night in Pittsburgh, so if I have to drive home anyway, you might as well get to have a good time, too."
Kelsey hesitated. "Well, um, that might work. Or you could stay over here if you wanted, in our spare bedroom. We already have everything planned, so I don't want to mess with anything. And, you might not want to hear me say this, but with everything you've had to go through—"
"you deserve to have a good time."
"You're right, I didn't want to hear that."
"I don't know what's going on. But let me tell you, we've all become friends. Watching the games, commiserating over the disadvantages of dating hockey players, complaining about the schedules. I know V wants you there, and me, too."
I smiled to myself, the first time in a while that happened. "I appreciate that, Kels. I mean, I like you girls, too—"
"So, perfect. Pack a bag and stay the night. Aim to get here around 7:15, so we can pick everyone up and make it to our reservation."
Before I could say anything else, she hung up. Sometimes, I wished people would stop ordering me around and taking control of my life. I knew she was just trying to help, but it was going to be hard to see these girls and not remember how I knew them. That was the worst part about this uncomfortable situation; everyone was incredibly nice. If Kelsey and Véro had been bitches, I wouldn't need to come into Pittsburgh for the night, and I could avoid these memories.
But I rationalized that I could possibly use this situation to my advantage. If Kelsey was able to tell something was up, maybe I could get some information out of her, or even Tyler. I hoped they knew something I didn't. Maybe Sidney told the guys what was going through his head since I had spoken to Max on Monday. I could use any help I could get.
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