Soundtrack Song Post #60 - Down
I felt like I died. That's not true; I don't know what it feels like to die. But I imagine that death feels a lot like this.
There's a reason I don't overdo it when I drink. It only took one night of getting ridiculously smashed after my 21st birthday to realize that I never wanted to do it again. Even though it hurt to move, I launched myself from the bed and into the bathroom to throw up. As I emptied the contents of my stomach—which was practically nothing—I tried to remember last night. Things were hazy, and I could only remember bit and pieces. Dinner with the girls. Ugh, going back to TK and Kelsey's and seeing Sidney. Jack Daniels. Some French guy. Sidney having a conniption. Going outside.
What the hell happened after that?!
Apparently, a lot. I was back in Sid's house. I swear, Sidney's mattress was a magnet, and my body was uncommonly attracted to it. How did I get back here, and more importantly, did I have sex with him last night? I was still wearing my underwear, but I knew that didn't matter with Sid. There were so many times that we had been too impatient to completely disrobe before we went at it. My whole body hurt, but that could have been from throwing up.
It's not like having sex with him would be a big deal, because we'd done it plenty of times before. But I didn't like the idea of the random hook-up with him. Not after falling in love with him. That would only string me along. No; if we were over, this had to be a clean cut. Like ripping off a Band-Aid.
I brushed my teeth and jumped into the shower, hoping to wash away some of this feeling and planning my next action. There was a game today, and I didn't want to mess too much with his routine. Would he still expect me to cook for him? Is he expecting me to be here when he gets back from the morning skate? I wasn't just going to leave, not without asking about what happened last night. I wanted answers. How did I end up at his house? In his bed, mostly naked? That's a stupid question; I probably threw myself at him like a desperate puck bunny. But he obviously didn't push me away—that had to be a good sign.
I got out of the shower. None of the clothes I kept here were clean, so I slipped on one of his light blue dress shirts and a pair of white boxers. Never had I seen Sid in these, but I didn't want to, either. I loved his body in boxer briefs.
Even though I didn't know what Sid's plan for the day was, I cooked his pregame meal. I assumed he'd be going over to Mario's and Nathalie would cook for him, like he said his routine was before I started spending time with him at his house, but I figured the worst that would happen is it would go in the fridge for the next time he was hungry. Besides, I needed something to do to keep my mind off all the questions I had to ask him and the butterflies wreaking havoc on my stomach.
When Sid came back, the kitchen became Awkward City. He walked in, took his jacket off, and threw it over a chair Sidney stood there, as if waiting for a sign from me. I leaned with my back against the counter. When I didn't speak, he broke the ice. "You cooked for me."
I shrugged. "I didn't know if you'd expect me to or not."
"I was gonna go out with the guys, but I guess I don't have to." Sidney walked over and leaned in to kiss me, placing his hands on the counter on each side of me, but I diverted my face and his lips met my cheek instead. I watched as his smile faded and his eyes saddened. It broke my heart, but I wondered what this meant. Why did he think it would be okay to kiss me?
Time for my first question, which I whispered tentatively. "What happened last night?"
"You don't remember?" He looked so sad, and I wished I knew why. He cursed about some promise. I shook my head, and he pushed away from the counter to back away from me. "What do you remember?"
Again, I shrugged. "A lot of whiskey. Some guy. And you getting really pissed at me."
Sidney ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, that's about right. You got completely shit-faced, started putting your hands all over Frenchie—"
My blood pressure skyrocketed and I cut him off. "I know what happened, Sid, and that did not. I danced with him, and that was it. Before you stormed over and treated me like some possession. That was uncalled for. If you don't want to be with me anymore, fine, but don't think you have any say in what I do."
He shook his head. "Stop it. Calm down. We already went through this last night."
"Sid, I don't remember a thing. What happened after that?"
"You threw up a lot."
"Did I say anything? How did I end up here? And did we, uh, you know...." I licked my lips, feeling so embarrassed. Sex with Sidney wasn't something I could normally forget about. But I kept on rambling, like I did when I was nervous and worried. "I know how I can get when I drink too much. Sidney, you have to help me out here. I'm embarrassed enough that I don't remember. I hope I didn't make too much of a fool out of myself."
"You know, I actually kind of liked you when you were sick and subdued." His biting words stung, and when he saw the look on my face, he softened and tried to explain better. "You were willing to talk calmly about this instead of prematurely jumping down my throat. You told me what you were feeling, and what was going on in your head. You were honest and open."
"I'm ready to do that, to be that now. I don't know why or how I ended up here, but if you brought me home with you last night, you can't hate me too much."
That made Sid smile. "Yeah, we went through this all last night. I don't hate you. I thought that when you left last week, you were done with me. With us. But you told me that Pat told you to leave."
I sucked in a deep breath. "He said that you needed some time, and that I should just go. And I left, knowing you could run all night until you figured something out." He nodded and I continued, "But I told Pat to tell you to call me, because I didn't want to disturb you. You were so angry, Sid. I'd never seen you like that."
"Yeah, I was mad. But I didn't want you to leave. When I came back upstairs and you were gone, Pat just told me that you were upset and that you left. I thought that you couldn't take it anymore, that being with me was too much for you."
Suddenly, my feet were fascinating, and I couldn't take my eyes off them. "So, what did you decide then?"
"I thought you made up my mind for me. When you left, I thought that I wouldn't have to decide anything. But I never thought of dealing with this without you, Nelly. That thought didn't even exist when I started thinking about what we were going to do to fix this."
"I can't believe Pat didn't tell you to call me."
"He apparently left a lot of stuff out about that night. I'll deal with him later, Nelly, just let me know you're still in this."
I looked up at him, into those gorgeous brown pools. My heart was in this, even though I didn't know why. "Don't you wonder why this is so hard for us? We're constantly fighting, if not between each other, then it's us against the world."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, shouldn't this be easier for us? I love you, Sid, more than anything, but sometimes I wonder...."
When I didn't finish my thought, he took over. "You knew this was going to be hard, so don't give me a bullshit answer. You, of all people, knew who I was and how demanding my schedule is and what's expected of me."
"That's what you do, it's not who you are."
"But you love them both, don't you?" I nodded. "So why are you second-guessing this? Why can't we just pick up where we left off, coming from a weekend in San José?"
"Because I can't ignore how I felt when I thought you didn't want anything to do with me. Sidney, I was a wreck!"
"And you think I was okay? Did you even watch the games?"
"Not really. You kind of ruined hockey for me."
He chuckled and caressed my cheek. I leaned in to his hand. "I suppose you want me to make it up to you? You can come to the game, and I'll score a couple of goals for you."
I laughed back. "I suppose that would be nice. But honestly, Sid, doesn't it scare you? I can't go through that again."
"Then let's just not do it again. You know how I feel about you. Don't let what anyone else says get to you. Not the fans, not the reporters or the bloggers, not Pat. Talk to me if you're worried about something."
"If all we do is fight and suffer, what's the point? I mean, what if love isn't enough?"
I expected him to get mad at that question. I did love him, but I also knew that just because you loved someone didn't mean things were going to work out and you were going to get your happily ever after. It happened all the time, and it happened to better people than me. Instead of getting angry, he picked me up by my waist and sat me on the counter so we were eye-to-eye. Sid held my face in my hands and spoke in a deep, clear voice.
"Love is always enough. Things weren't always easy for my parents, but they made it through. So I know that if it's meant to be, it will be. Am I scared? Fuck yes. But what scares me even more is thinking that you won't be around. I don't know if things will work out for always and forever, but I know I'll be kicking myself if I don't try. I never expected to feel this way at twenty-two, but I'm not going to give up on it just because it's a little hard. If I thought that way, I never would have made it to the NHL. So stop trying to second-guess things and over-think. God, you think way too much for your own good. Trust me and know that it's worth a shot."
I grabbed a hold of his forearms. Sidney had an answer for everything, but I had one more question begging to be asked. It had been floating around in my head for a long time. "Why me?"
"Why you what?"
"There are so many other girls out there that would accept you without question. So why do you go through all this trouble over me?"
His thumbs rubbed little circles on the apples of my cheeks. "You're right in that there are thousands of girls out there that would take a lot of shit to be with me. But I like that you don't take my shit. You yell at me."
I laughed, but I also started to tear up and get sentimental. "You like that I yell at you?"
"No, I like that you're not afraid to yell at me. You're not going to take this lying down. You're feisty. I love that about you, even though it's exasperating sometimes. You're so damn stubborn, you over-analyze everything, and you know how to make me miserable. But you also know how to make me happier than I've ever been. And that's something no ordinary girl can do. You get a kick out of what I do, but you don't worship me because of it. You're everything I need."
I didn't need to hear anymore. Mr. Perfect did it again. I leaned forward and rested my forehead against his, our noses touching. "Sidney Crosby, I love you so much. More than all the stars in the sky."
"And I love you, Noelle Lambert. More than all the dimes in all the world."
We kissed, and it was simple and sweet like our first kiss back in August. It didn't last long, though, because the kiss escalated into touching and groping. He undid the buttons of the shirt I was wearing, growling how much he liked seeing me in his clothes. Once my shirt was opened, he ran his hands around my body and brought his mouth down to my breasts, and I was holding onto the counter for dear life as I wrapped my legs around his hips and pulled him closer to me. My head was resting against the door of the cabinet and I was moaning. Oh, how I missed this. Make-up sex was awesome. I gasped as his mouth closed around one of my nipples, and the shock of the sudden sensation made me open my eyes.
And see Jordan and Kris standing in the threshold between the living room and the kitchen, watching us. I screamed and grabbed the sides of my open shirt, pulling them closed and crossing my hands over my chest. Sid jumped at my reaction and spun around.
"What the fuck, guys?! You can't knock?"
Kris was the first to speak, even though his eyes were on the ground. He was painfully shy and I had trouble getting him to look me in the eyes as it is. I bet Kris would never look me again after this. "We were outside, honking for like five minutes. You said you were coming out with us for the pregame meal."
"But I guess you'll be eating something else for lunch?" Jordan quipped with a cocky grin.
"Staal, you're such a perv!" I yelled at him while I looked for something to throw at him, but I couldn't help but laugh a little. If I didn't laugh, I'd certainly die from sheer embarrassment.
"What? Who knew the Kid had it in him," Jordan said, turning around and heading for the door. "Just make sure he gets a long nap, Noelle, so don't keep him up all afternoon. He sucked at practice because he was tired."
When the guys left, Sid apologized profusely. "I'm so sorry, Nelly. I should have called them to let them know I wasn't going out with them for lunch."
"I don't know how I'm ever going to look them in the eyes again," I said, "but you should be worried about how they're going to rag on you in the dressing room."
"I can handle it. What do you say we finish what we started?" he asked, pressing his lips against that spot on my neck again and running one hand under the fabric of the boxers I was wearing.
I pushed him away from me. "No. You sucked at practice? You'd better eat and get to bed, El Capitán. You have a losing streak to end."
"I'm gonna play an even worse game if you leave me hanging like this."
I laughed as I slid off the counter and turned to the sink to start washing the dishes. "Nothing a cold shower can't fix."
He snuck up behind me and wrapped his arms around my stomach, pulling me against his body. "Nelly, come on. How can you say no to me?"
"Easily. No," I retorted. "But I'll tell you what. If you score me those couple of goals you promised, I'll make it up to you tonight."
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