Wednesday, September 16, 2009

86: The End, Part I

Soundtrack Song - Kill, Jimmy Eat World

I wish I could say that Sidney and I got our happily ever after, but I can't tell you that. Not because we didn't get our happily ever after, but because I just don't know.

Sure, things were going great. They always did, even when we hit the bumps and dips along the way. As long as we stuck together, talked to each other, and kept our heads on straight, we could make it through anything. We'd already made it through so much. Giving up now would have been a total waste.

After I moved in, we didn't have the chance to really fall into a routine. For the first week of my new job, Sidney was back for two home games before he left for a long road trip, including some western Canadian cities. This time, he was gone for over a week. I knew it came with his job, and it came with the territory of being his girlfriend, but I felt a little abandoned. Lonely.

If I were still at my home, I'd have my parents to keep me company, if I were that desperate. My friends were a phone call away from meeting me at the bar for drinks or the Coffee Bean Café for a caramel macchiato. However, the spring semester was beginning for them, and any time we could have spent getting together quickly would have been wasted in traffic.

I tried calling Véro, Kelsey, and Heather, but they, too, were busy with their own lives to do more than talk on the phone for a few minutes. Mostly, I became angry with myself. What the hell was I thinking? Worse, what was I expecting? It seemed like I had dropped everything on a whim and started relying on Sidney for everything. I had changed so much of myself for his sake, to be nearer to him, to be with him, and I didn't earn any of it. The new job, the new car, the new home, even him.

Now that I was his, just another possession of his forced to wait for him until he returns, I thought about how I went from sharing my life with him to sharing his life. Like I was proscribed to sit and wait for him obediently, wagging my tail like an expectant pup waiting for its master. Hearing the car pull up in the driveway and the keys jingle in the lock, knowing that when he got home, I'd get a treat and pat on the head for being good while he was away.

And even if those weren't his intentions, it didn't counteract the way I felt. He said he liked knowing I was in his home, our home, knowing that I'd be there when he got back to the city from a road trip. That was easy for him, because he was the one who was away and distracted by travel and games. It was torture waiting for him, knowing he wouldn't return for days yet surrounded by the constant memory of him.

I tried to talk to Véro about it, thinking that she would understand. Instead, she made me feel like I was the crazy one. "Do you love him?"

"Of course, V. You know that."

"Then you have to let that be enough. Because even though he may be gone five days out of the week, you know he's coming home, coming back home to you. And those two days that he's here make up for the time he's got to spend away."

"The time we spend together is great. It's everything we need it to be and more to make up for the stretches of time he's gone. But I'm still miserable when he's not here. Maybe the time he's here makes up for his absence, but that's not a consolation when he's gone."

"I don't know what to tell you, Noelle. I could say he's worth it, but you already know that."

"I'm miserable, no matter what I tell myself to try and make this better," I whispered, mostly to myself rather than her. We hung up, and I wasn't any closer to an answer or a solution. Instead, I was still avoiding the ultimate question roaming around my head: is this what I want? Sure, I loved Sid and I wanted to be with him, but this wasn't what I had imagined for myself. The waiting, the time apart, the loneliness. Even if I tried to tell him about how I was feeling, he'd just tell me that this wouldn't last forever. He wouldn't be a hockey player forever. But I knew that he was going to play for as long as his body would let him, and even after that he wasn't going to completely retire from hockey. He'd be a coach or something. Maybe this wouldn't last forever, but it would last for a long, long time.

I knew I needed to talk to Sid about this. The phone calls just weren't cutting it, so I waited for when he'd return.

I stayed up, dismissing the fact that I had to work in the morning and had sessions with Geno for English lessons and with Brooks for media prep, waiting for Sidney to come home. Something had to give; I don't know what or how, but this could not continue. I planted my ass on the couch, tired, but well aware that I could wait the few hours to confront him with this as soon as he walked through the door.

A feeling of warmth pulled me out of my deep sleep, and I realized I was in Sidney's arms. He was carrying me away from the couch in the living room and up to our bed. I squirmed, and I felt his lips brush my cheek as he whispered, "It's okay. Go back to sleep."

The idea of slipping back into sweet unconsciousness—and avoiding the inevitable fight for just a few more hours—was comforting. But since when did I ever take the easy way out of anything? No more putting it off. "Sid...."

Although it was dark, I knew he was rolling his eyes. "You're using your serious voice."

"I don't think this is working, Sidney."

He dropped me on the bed gently, trying to look like he was playing around instead of being serious. "What isn't?" I let out a sigh, opening my mouth to explain, but he cut me off before I could say a thing. "Don't say this. Don't you dare say us. I just got back, and I really want to enjoy your company right now. I could tell something was wrong on the phone, but I just figured you missed me."

I reached out and undid his tie, doing so in a caring manner rather than trying to get him out of his clothes. If I let this slide now, I'd be loathe to bring it up again. I'd forget about the misery I'd been in for the past so-many days while he was away and I was feeling useless without him. "I do miss you. Terribly. This arrangement isn't working. I moved in to be closer to you, and instead I feel ten times worse when you're gone. It's not fair. I've given up a lot to be here with you."

Sidney snorted. I wasn't expecting that reaction from him. "What? What have you given up? Living with your parents? The job you hate? The car that was about to break down on you? Don't you think that what you have here with me more than compensates for whatever second thoughts you're having?"

"Okay, first of all, don't be an ass. You said the Jeep was a gift, so don't you dare hold that over my head like this. You can't buy something for me and then make me feel guilty for taking it, especially when I didn't ask for it or want it in the first place."

"Fair enough."

"Second, I'm not having second thoughts. I love you. You know that. But being here without you sucks."

"But you know damn well that things between us are good right now. No more fighting. Remember Christmas, and how much fun that was? Why are you looking for trouble?"

"I'm not looking for trouble. But I gave up myself to be with you. I gave up who I was. And now I don't know who I am, because all I feel like right now is Sidney Crosby's girlfriend, and not at all like Noelle Lambert."

"You're still who you are. You're still the girl I met over the summer. We've spent a lot of time apart before. So what suddenly caused this? You're springing this on me, and I didn't even know you remotely felt this way."

"It's the fact that I'm in your house, and you're not! It's not like I want to feel this way. I want things to be good between us. When I got back from work this past week, coming back here to an empty house was so lonely. I miss you when you're not here," I admitted against my better judgment.

"You think I don't miss you when I'm gone? It sucks, Nelly. But I don't know what you want me to do. It's my life."

"I know," I sighed. "I know that there's no magic cure. It's not like I want you to give up playing hockey or anything like that. I just... want to stop missing you so much."

He laughed. "Are you trying to be obstinate?" His hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me to him while his hot mouth attacked my neck.

I pushed against him, and it took several shoves to prove to him that I was serious. "Don't laugh at me. This isn't funny."

"What do you want me to do?" he asked, exasperated.

"I don't know. But can you just at least listen to me? I know you think I'm crazy, but I want you to validate my feelings and not make me feel like I'm going crazy and making shit up!" I crossed my arms and stared at him. This wasn't easy, and he was just making this harder on me. Sid needed to be serious now, because I needed him to be serious now.

Sidney shrugged and cocked his head to the side. I knew he did that because he was afraid of saying the wrong thing and pushing me farther over the edge, but his silence was worse than his misspeaking. So I groaned and pushed him away, heading for the doorway because I felt disgusted with him.

As I reached the threshold, I realized something: I didn't have anywhere to go. Every time I got pissed or frustrated at Sid, I left him to go clear my head. But now I was literally surrounded by him, enveloped by him. I lived in his home, I drove his car. I couldn't escape him. If I truly wanted to leave and get away from him for a while, I'd have to abandon all of him—and that meant leaving him, completely. After all, it's not like I could just hide away in one of the spare bedrooms. Or worse, lock myself in the bathroom. Again.

I hesitated, and I turned and looked back at him. He was returning my stare with raised eyebrows, reading my mind. There was a choice at my feet, a fork in the road. I could either stay and figure this out, or I could leave, really leave, knowing there would be no turning back again.


  1. NOOOOOOOOOOOO She can't leave him!

    OMG what are you doing to me!! lol

    I can't believe this story is going to end : (



    Sorry. That is my brain right now. Holy geeze I love this story.

  3. No.


    Absolutely Not.


    That's all I can say... no!


    Ugh... tonight's going to be the longest night ever, I need to know what's going to happen... you're killing me here girl.
    If she leaves, I think I'll fall apart.

  4. She can't leave! I won't allow it! You're so good at this.

  5. NOOOOO don't leave him!!! Can't wait for more to see what she does~

  6. Oh no the end.. I am still on chapter 46. I discovered this story thanks to Zigh last night and it's awesome. I read for three hours last night and so far about 2 hours today. You are a great writer! I figured it would be better if I commented on there rather than at the end of chapter 46.

  7. OH. MY. GOD.
    WHYYY are you springing this on us NOW??!?!
    come onnnnn!!
    pleaseee stop being so stubborn, Noelle, and talk to him! compromise... go on road trips with him!!

    GAHH I CAN'T wait for tomorrow's update!!

  8. You can NOT make all of us wait a full 24hours before posting again! That's cruel! Not after a chapter like that!!


  9. I don't know why but after the last chapter I thought that something bad was going to happen. I use this story to get away from reality for just a moment every day.....I am hoping I won't have to look for some other way...this has just been such a haven.....Nelly doesn't know how good she has it. If she considers everything his then she needs to change her perspective from you and me to "we". OK. Waiting for whatever comes....

  10. Seriously?! Like SERIOUSLY?!>?!?!@?!!?!?!?!?!?@?@?@!?@?!?!@?

    I feel like balling my eyes out, everything they'd gone through and she's... she's thinking about leaving?!!?!?!?!?!?!

  11. Nope, nope, nope. I'm refusing to believe this.

    I'll instead go with the theory that I dreamed that I read this chapter and when I read tomorrow's udpate, things will be magic and wonder and perfection again.

  12. Great update! I totally see her point of view.
    He does seem a little arrogant......I don't think he gets all she gave up.Sometimes I think he thinks of her as a possession.Like how he reacted when he thought Geno might be after her. He needs to listen to her.
    Can't wait for the next update! =-)

  13. OMG!!!!!! NO NO NO YOU CANT DO THIS TO US! They can work it out right right? O please dont let THIS be the end please i love this story

  14. I have to say I agree with every comment, and would just like to add that under no circumstances should she be allowed to walk away without at least attempting to work something out...okay, I feel better now!

  15. When I read the title I told myself:"Oh my God, this is it, it's almost over". And then, at the end of the chapter, I couldn't believe it. Please, Jay, don't do that. She needs to stay. NO, WE need her to choose Sid.

  16. ahhhhhhhhhhhh
    holy crap.....
    we r sad enough that this story is ending.... you cant just make her leave =[
    please, please dont leave nelly=[

  17. haha on a happier note i feel very smart, because i was the only one who noticed you made this story have eighty seven chapters

  18. I noticed that also Jimie :) Ahh its Sid's lucky I'm concluding that it means it has to end good! Right? Please?! I kinda like that you threw the cliff hanger in there. That is what makes you such a good writer. This story nor the end is predictable by any means. I've really really enjoyed it! Kudos Jay!

  19. Upon seeing the title for this chapter, my heart both stopped, dropped, and caught in my throat...all at once.

    This is just plain cruel. To lull us with this story- one of my favorite, a new posting every night- only to end it this soon. This cannot, I repeat, annot be happening. I feel cheated and deprived. I'm not exaggerating this at all.


    Yes, I did notice the wicked "occurance" of this story's Ending Part II being the 87th chapter. I'm appalled and disgusted.

  20. Oh what the heck?! I leave that nice comment on the previous chapter and then I read this?? No, you can't end it like that!

    Well, I mean, you can since you're the author* But I do hope that it doesn't turn out like that!

    And I love that you're ending it with 87 chapters! When I saw that it was 86, part 1, I was like "Oh, you sneaky, sneaky write you"

    I will be sad to see this story come to an end though* I've enjoyed reading it! Hope it goes out with a bang!

  21. P.P.S. The story could continue in soooo many different directions...why, oh why end it?

  22. I came back to check and see if there just might be another chapter.....hmmmm 87 chapters? Well you could make it 187 and think of all the things you could do with this story....Ah, please don't end it - I would take a chapter a week if necessary. (Although I would go bonkers for the week waiting).....

  23. o plese dont end it i cant imagine what i would do if i didnt have this story any more!PLEASE DONT END IT even though i think it was very clever to end it on chapter 87 but im begging you dont end it!!!!o please!!! DONT!!!! im still begging!!!!

  24. so, i think to shock us even more, next chapter he should do somehting ridiculous. like propose to her.
    and spill his heart. and everything will be ok.
    ok? kthanks :]