Thursday, September 17, 2009

87: The End, Part II

Soundtrack Song - All the Memories, The Classic Crime

I looked at him looking back at me. Both of us staring at each other. He knew the thoughts running through my mind, and despite all the thoughts stuck in my brain at this very moment, the one thing that stuck out over all others is that song by the Clash: should I stay or should I go?

Honestly, I have no where to go. But I also know that there's no where else I'd rather be. I was still furious with him for dismissing my feelings so easily, for brushing them aside as if they were nothing, but I couldn't leave.

I shrugged and sat on the bed. Sidney was looking at me with a smile, which I ignored. "You know this doesn't mean that this discussion is over," I told him. Maybe we wouldn't be able to continue this now, but we were going to have to have this conversation soon.

"We've got a couple of days to think about it, figure something out," he replied. I pulled back the covers and slipped into bed as he finished stripping out of his suit, carelessly throwing his clothes onto the floor. Which I knew I'd be the one to pick up in the morning, because I'm obviously destined to pick up after the poor boy, and that only annoyed me more. It was one of those things that didn't bug me when I stayed over for a few nights but really irritated me since I had moved in permanently.

Once he stripped down to his red boxer briefs, I forcibly dragged my line of sight elsewhere. I'm mad, I told myself. And as fun as angry sex is, I don't want that right now. Still, his body never failed to take my breath away and make my mouth run dry. I could look at him all day, never tiring at the sight of him. There was a pooling sensation low in my abdomen, and I almost changed my mind. But I wanted to make him feel the way I did when he was gone: sad, lonely, unsatisfied. When Sid slid into bed, I rolled over and gave him a full view of my back instead of snuggling against him.

Sidney chuckled lowly, and I thought about yelling at him for laughing at me again. Before I could turn around and give him an earful, I felt his hand on my hip. He started playing with the waistband of my sweats, his fingers toying with the edge of the fabric and brushing lightly against my cool skin. Automatically, I inhaled sharply, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing what he was doing to me. I bit my lip, squeezed my eyes shut, and tensed beneath his touch.

Sid brought his body closer to mine, and although I couldn't feel his touch, I felt his heat at my back. Feeling him so near to me, but not touching me, was like a slow and painful death. His tongue darted out of his mouth and made contact with my ear as he said, "What's the saying? Don't go to bed mad?"

I tried to hold still, to not react, and to not give him the satisfaction of knowing how easily he could change my mind. As his fingers crept below the waistband of my pants and caressed the flesh right below my belly button, I couldn't stop myself from thinking lower. Lower.

He chuckled again with my earlobe between his teeth, and the sensation tingled throughout my entire body. "Lower?" he asked. Shit, I didn't mean to say that out loud!

"Oh, fuck it," I mumbled, quickly rolling over to face him, hooking a leg over his thick thighs, and grabbing his face to bring it to mine.

* * * * *

I didn't need to get up for another five minutes, but I didn't want to get up at all. Nothing compared to this, to this feeling of completeness as I reclined in bed with Sidney breathing heavily beside me, still adrift in dreamland.

If I moved, he'd wake up. If he woke up, I'd have to talk and continue our conversation from last night. That would just mar the pleasant feeling that was washing over me in waves as I smelled Sid, felt him envelope me in his arms, and knew within my core that right now, things were perfect, just as they should be.

But in a few days, when his games against the Islanders and the Caps were over, he'd be jetsetting off again, away from me, and I would be alone again and just as miserable as I was a mere twelve hours ago. Immediately I felt the tears return, the tears I had cried every day he was gone, wondering if I would ever stop weeping over him. Because I was not the kind of girl that wept over a boy, no matter how in love I claimed to be.

The more I tried to stop, the worse it got, and soon my body was wracked with sobs and was convulsing like I was seizing. And of course that disturbed Sid and woke him. In his usual fashion, he propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at me, concern evidently on his face. "Nelly, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. And that's just it. Right now I'm happy, so deliriously happy. And when you're gone, I'm so completely empty and morose and like a zombie. It's so hard to try and reconcile both of the ways you can make me feel. And I hate myself for that."

He looked at me, cradling my face in his big hands. "Don't say that, Nelly. Don't ever say that."

"I just don't know who I've become anymore."

"You're still you. Maybe your setting has changed, the people around you, and what you're doing. But you're still the girl I met and fell in love with. Why are you so focused on thinking that you've changed into someone else?"

"Because I don't feel the same."

"You can't expect to fall in love and think that everything will stay the same. Of course it's gonna be different. You're still the same person, just now you're in love with me. I'm sorry that you're sad when I leave, but I don't think I could stand to know you're fine and perfectly okay when I'm not here. I like that you miss me, but I wish you weren't as miserable as you say you are."

I half-groaned and half-sighed. "Me, too. I just.... I just wish I knew what it took to stop this merry-go-round."

"It doesn't stop," he grunted. "It's been my life for a long time now, and it doesn't stop. Sometimes it's slow enough that you think you can finally step off and sometimes it's so fast that you're constantly nauseous and you're gripping anything around you to hold on for dear life. But that's the way things are for me."

"That's a really good metaphor," I told him, smiling through my tears at his big, brown eyes. "When did you get so smart?"

He grinned. "I've always been this smart; you've just never noticed. You love me for my body, not my mind," he added, pressing his lips against my clavicle before getting serious again. "I'm sorry that you're riding the merry-go-round with me now, but it makes the ride a little more bearable for me."

I laughed at him and placed my hand on his shoulder. "Transferring some of your misery onto me. Nice. I appreciate it," I teased. Suddenly, I realized that even though he was driving me crazy, that was better than before we met, when I wasn't feeling anything. Being on the merry-go-round with Sid was better than being on solid ground without him. At least I knew that he would always come back to me and put an end to my sadness by bringing me incredible joy. I wanted to forget all about the past week and just concentrate on what would be in store for me this week, for the few days he'd be around.

We made out for a while until the alarm rang out, signaling the start to my day. Sid stayed in bed as I went about my business, showering and getting ready for work. At least today would be a busy one, with the guys back in town after the road trip. I actually had meetings and appointments with some of the guys, and I was excited to finally start what Mario had hired me to do.

I tried to tell myself that things were going to get easier. It would take some time, of course. I thought that time would be the ultimate cure. After all, the house still felt like Sid's, and not mine. While he was gone, I was surrounded by so many of his things, so much of him, but essentially without him. It was his house, filled with his things, things he bought with his money. But eventually, they wouldn't be his things anymore. And they won't be mine, either. They'd be ours. Once the house began to feel like my home, it would get easier to spend so much time there even if he wasn't around. I just couldn't give up on it yet.

Climbing into Cherry, I started her and listened to her purr as she warmed up before I drove to the Mellon. I had a meeting with Evgeni, since he'd be getting a lot of attention during the home game against the Capitals. After all, he was going to be playing against Ovechkin, the guy he'd be playing with during the Olympics. I shuddered to think of Malkin playing center to Ovechkin's wing, and what that would mean to the U.S. and Canadian teams playing against them.

Then I realized that I didn't know who I should root for. The United States, my home country's team, or the guys in red, my boyfriend's team. Because it wasn't just the team my boyfriend supported—it was the team he was going to play on. It wouldn't be a big deal if the two teams never had to meet, but what would I do when they did?

When I got to my office, I tried to shake the Olympics out of my head, especially since that wasn't the only thing we were to going to end up fighting about. Sidney had asked a long time ago when my birthday was, and I told him February. I didn't tell him it was the twenty-second, which was smack-dab in the middle of the tournament. He would want me to be there with him so we could celebrate together, because he knew how important birthdays were to me.

And when I walked to my desk, I saw the schedule for the guys who hadn't been invited to participate in their countries' games. Some of them were taking vacations for a couple days, but those were staggered so I could still work with them. Despr├ęs, who had been playing in the AHL Baby Pens, would be coming to Pittsburgh for a few days so I could work with him. As a first round draft pick, he was going to need a lot of help for when he was called up for games in the Igloo.

Depending on how I penciled in my own hours—which Mario let me do—maybe I could work my forty hours in three days so I could take a long weekend and travel up north to visit Sid for the games and my birthday, too. It would be hard on me, with the travel and the long days at work, but it could be worth it if it put a smile on Sidney's face.

How was I going to break the news to him? I could maybe manage a few days to go see him, but I wouldn't be able to spend the whole two weeks with him in Vancouver. He'd be so disappointed. I'm not even sure if I could get Mario to approve the schedule I was trying to create. Sure, he'd understand my situation, but his appreciation for my predicament might not be enough to fix it. After all, the NHL games might stop for a couple of weeks while the Olympics were taking place, but the league wouldn't stop. I was a part of the Penguins organization now, and I had to do my part to make sure it worked like a well-oiled machine.

I looked at my own schedule and tried to figure out if it was even possible. Plotting a way to get time in February to fly to Canada consumed my entire morning, and I knew my afternoon appointments would suffer for it. Frustrated, I threw my pencil down on my desk and leaned back in my chair, massaging my temples and closing my eyes. I had to figure something out, I just had to.

"Am I interrupting something?"

Slowly, I opened my eyes and sat up straight to look at Sid. I checked the clock, and I saw that practice would begin soon. "I'm just... thinking," I told him vaguely.

"Listen, I didn't get a chance to tell you this morning, but I wanted you to know that I do hear you when you're feeling stressed. I'm still not sure what we can do to get things to work out, but we'll find a way. We have always found a solution before, and we will this time, too. So just, don't worry about it too much, okay? I know that's easier said than done, but at least try."

I smiled at him, my headache suddenly gone. The way he was looking at me was the best painkiller, the best medicine for me. He was right; we always found a way before. We could now. I knew at that moment that we were going to get through this, and come out of it stronger and closer. I didn't know how, but I just knew deep in my bones that we would.

I nodded silently at him, and he continued, "Good. Because I promise you, I'll listen to you and respect what you have to say. As long as you promise that you'll stay with me while we sort everything out."

And that's what it boiled down to. Sid was the kind of guy who always got his way, eventually, and he did a lot of things without thinking about what I wanted or taking into consideration my feelings about it. The credit card. Lynne. The car. And my response was to storm away, every time. Last night broke that pattern, but that didn't mean that the next time we were faced with a dilemma, we would react any differently. Those were the things we needed to work on if we wanted this to last. And I wanted this to last so badly.

"I promise," I swore to him.

So, maybe I don't know if we'll get that happily ever after. Things aren't always going to be happy between us, but as long as there is an "us," that's going to be enough for me. Relationships aren't meant to be easy, and being with Sidney would never be easy, no matter what. Because of who he was, both as a person and as a hockey player and face of the league, and also because of who I was, a stubborn girl, too independent for my own good.

No matter what we figured out, both for now and for February, we would make it work for us. We'd make the most out of whatever time we got to spend together, and we'd deal with being apart when the time came. This was an ongoing process, and we were on a learning curve. I had to take it one day at a time, with full knowledge that some days would be incredibly fantastic and others would be horribly devastating.

In the scheme of things, being with Sidney would mean fighting and crying and yelling and going crazy—but it also meant living and feeling and smiling and being in love. No, it would never be easy, but Sid was worth it. He was worth so much to me, and it was worth the hard work. So of course, nothing would ever come easy for Sidney and me. But in the words of someone so much wiser than me, nothing worth winning ever is.


  1. YAY!! She stayed!!! So glad that this amazing story is ending on a happy note! I will truly miss this each night! Thank you so much for writing this for us to enjoy!

  2. OMG! Ama-za-zing! You are so good Jay! Great story

  3. I'm sad to see this end, but I do love the way you did it!

    And it leaves an open ended, not forcing them to come to a complete conclusion. A real relationship is ongoing correct? So, why not have a fictional story be the same?

    I LOVED IT ALL! From beginning to end!

  4. Hey. I am on chapter 64 and you wrote that Mr and Mrs. Crosby got married after dating for 4 months, is that true or something you added to the story? I wasn't sure since most of your information was really realistic like the girlfriends and Sid's agent.

  5. Jay dear...

    I'm bawling my face off now; I can't believe it's over... but I promise they're happy tears!
    This has been such an amazing experience (Yes... experience!) and I don't think I can ever thank you enough.

    This has been one of my favourite blogs for so long and I'd be lying if I didn't say... I was worried about how this would all come together.
    But it did... beautifully.

    "Sometimes it's slow enough that you think you can finally step off and sometimes it's so fast that you're constantly nauseous and you're gripping anything around you to hold on for dear life"
    ---> I know that you're describing Sidney's life here... but I can't help and think you're describing this story as well... you've certainly had me holding on for dear life at times lol.

    What else can I say... other than I loved it? (Like always... lol)

    Thank you, thank you, thank you =)

  6. To my dearest Jay,

    Like I expected. I loved the ending. I think you tied up all the loose ends nicely and gave us all a little piece of heaven to take with us. Thank you.

    With that being said, I'm also painfully sad that we're now left out of the lives of Sid and Nelly. I mean... do they get married? Does he propose at the Olympics? What do their kids look like? Does Sid finally bring Sam to Pittsburgh?

    I have more questions, but I'll stop.

    I loved this story more than I love most, and not because of who was in it. But because of how it was written.

    Kudos my dear.

    *Stands, clapping wildly.* BRAVA, BRAVA!!! ENCORE!

    <3 Heather

  7. Jay that was amazing! Thank you for not ending it on a predictable note like..Sid proposing or something! I loved that you ended it just letting us know they were going to work it out! I got chills when you ended the story with the line "nothing worth winning ever is". So now I get to go revel in more of your talents since your writing a story about Talbo yay! Don't ever stop writing!!

  8. lovelovelovelove.
    sad to see it end, but it was the perfect ending, EVER!
    "So of course, nothing would ever come easy for Sidney and me. But in the words of someone so much wiser than me, nothing worth winning ever is."
    amazing. literally, i'm speechless right now.
    what a roller coaster of a story, but thank you SOO much for ending it this way. i love you for that :]
    you're an AMAZING writer, and i can't wait to continue to read your stuff. hellooo maxime & charlotte. NWW pt 2! sure to be amazing!

    i've probably said amazing 2333 times already.
    who cares.

    i hope there's an "epilogue" kinda thing on here, because i terribly want to know how their lives turn out.
    thanks for the amazing story i looked forward to every night!!
    <3 :]

  9. Such a perfect ending. Thank you for the entire endeavor. I ran onto this blog purely by accident and was immediately hooked. You've been my nightly crack & I will check out some of your other projects, because I know I will be missing my nightly fix. You are a wonderful writer, Jay. Thank you again.

  10. Perfect story with a perfect onward!

  11. So I don't even know where to begin. This ending was just so beautiful, and it caps off everything that these two are about. I remember stumbling upon this, geze felt like just yesterday, and thinking "Wow, this girl can WRITE!" It's just beautifully written, planned out, just everything. I am going to miss it OH SO MUCH! (but I'm super excited for Talbo!) I'm happy you created this story and made it so real. Bravo my dear. Bravo.

  12. I sit here reading this crying tears of pure happiness (if thats how u spell it lol) and my room mate is really enjoying my time of weakness and she told me that for the next couple of nights i'll go on to read a new update just to relize it's over and there's never goin to be more. At least i know that the story ended on a happy note but questions are poping up in my head. The only thing left to say is thank you for the perfect everthing!

  13. Let me take a minute to gather my thoughts here.

    Alright here we go. I've absolutely loved this story from start to beautiful finish. Everything about it was absolute perfection and reading it was SUCH a joy, like you don't even know.

    And Jay, holy hell, you've got some talent! I don't know if I can say "I love your writing" enough.

    So, I could go on with a list of adjectives about how wonderful you and this story both are, but I'd be here for quite a while.

    Perfection. I love it. Thank you. <3

  14. @Gwendolynn--that's something I added. I don't know long they dated/knew each other before getting married.

    @Heather--those questions make me want to answer them in a sequel. Because in my head, I already know all those answers.

    Thank you all for being so supportive and generally awesome throughout this entire process. Writing is so much easier when I've got beautiful and devoted readers like you.

  15. So I was out all night but I'm not gonna lie, this ending was totally in the back of my head because I knew it would be up when I got back in the morning and sure enough, it was :D

    Absolutely perfect ending. I don't think you could have changed any word at all in this story to make it better. It's written so completely and with absolutely no loose ends that I am inexplicably jealous of your talent. Wonderful story and congratulations on finishing it!!!!


  16. Thanks for a really really awesome story. And please write a sequel!!
    I really appreciated that there was an ending to this story, in some the stories I have read that are really good the author just suddenly stops writing them so it was really nice to be able to read a good story with an ending and not be cliffhangered in the middle.
    Thanks for all the time and energy you put into this. Really was the one the best stories I have read.

  17. jay,
    today was the last day i could come home and KNOW that i would have a good fanfic to read.

    what a great story this is, i have enjoyed reading it.
    you really threw us through a loop the other night, i seriously thought she was gonna leave (so happy she didnt; by the way)


    looking forward to your next one

  18. Oh wow! I've been away from Blogger forever and I was so happy to come back and catch up on this story.
    And I absolutely loved the way you ended it. I am beyond ecstatic that they had a happy ending after all.
    Plain and simple, this story was amazing.

  19. I saw you were gonna do a sequeal so I had to come back and reread

  20. All right, so I manage to find all these amazing stories after they finish. Its a true talent. But I love this story, Noelle and Sidney are fucking perfect for each other and its now my goal in life to be like them, good goal right?
    Anyway, this story was so good because you made it really serious at times but still kept it lighthearted and it was amazing.
    Amazing job and I loved it

  21. Dear Jay - I have been reading fan fiction just in the last month, and you by far are the most gifted writer on these blogs. Your writing is so realistic and factual (thank goodness), your grammar is exceptional (thank you for knowing the difference between your and you're; likewise, to and too). I used to live near the Burgh, so I love your realistic references to the city, i.e. - Westmoreland County, I-376, Sewickley, etc. Keep up the phenomenal work and truthfully consider authoring a book that we have to actually purchase!

  22. Just finished reading this. Your story has taken over my life for the last two days, I have NOT had a life! Completely and utterly your fault.

    First of all I'd like to say how nice it is to be able to read decent fanfic where the author knows the difference between: they're, their and there. You have no idea how much poor grammar frustrates me!

    Secondly, thank you for making it such an unpredictable ride. I'm fed up of reading fanfic of the girl getting pregnant and them eventually getting married. This wasn't the fairytale that most fanfics seem to be like, and I congratulate 100% on that. Also, your ability to write emotions and your wit brought these characters to life. I laughed with Jordy, cried when Grandpa G died and wanted to break my computer screen with the whole Lynne episode!

    Thirdly, if you'd check my story, it's a little different, but honest feedback would be great. Londoner in Montreal.

    Also, you should feel honoured - this is THE longest comment I've ever left on ANY fanfic, and I think I might be in Zigh territory!


  23. Jay, I absolutely loved this story! Like really really loved it!!
    I actually just found it and read it over the last couple of weeks. I did the same with Paper Perfect a few weeks before that. They were both great stories, you're a great writer!
    And I really want to read more about Sid and Noelle. I noticed the link for Something Worth Keeping, and I can't wait until you start posting it. While I'm waiting I'm going to start reading Immediate Danger, I noticed it was about Tanger, and Sid, Max, and Kris are my three favorites.
    Anyway, this was an awesome story, as was Paper Perfect, but I don't think I commented on that...
    I also had some specific things I wanted to compliment you on for this story, but I forgot what I was going to say... I liked how you ended it though. And I like how original it was too. I liked Sid and Noelle's problems along the way. I think I would be a lot like Nelly (I love Sid's nickname for her) because I wouldn't want the expensive gifts either. I also liked how you used a lot of stuff that actually happened/real people (like the girlfriends). I liked Vero, and I want her as my friend in real life, lol.
    I can't think of anything else but great job and I can't wait for Something Worth Keeping!!

  24. :)ok I've read all of your stories twice and well they were all so amazing! I just can't get enough!:) anyways I am dying waiting for you to post something on Something Worth Keeping! I seriously can NOT wait to get back onto the lives of Sid and Nelly:) so just keep on doing what you are doing because well you're just amazing!

  25. Ohh Jay,:)

    You are seriously talented:) I've read this story like 5 times alredy and when I saw you were going to do a sequel I decided to read it again. Lol. Keep up the great work:) you go girl!!

  26. I just spent the past couple days reading this entire story, and I absolutely loved it! The writing was amazing. :)

    If you're interested, you should check out my own new Sid story:

  27. So I read this whole story in the past 4 days and loved it after a friend recommended it to me. I've also read A Sharp Contrast & have read Immediate Danger. So I figure it's about time that I comment.
    You're an amazing writer and I really enjoy the complexities of your writing and the emotional highs and lows.
    I'm sad that I found this after it was over, I'm excited for Something Worth Keeping. =)
    Thank you for sharing your writing & I look forward to reading more of it!

  28. While this is a lot late, I loved this story. Thank you for making it real life, not just Sid obsessed. Thank you for thinking and not just randomly writing. Thank you for having an ending. But most of all, thank you for writing this. I know it couldn't have been easy, but I bet it was worth winning all these people's hearts. And giving me completely copy you. :)